The 4th Step in the Twelve-Step program of recovery tells us that “Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it forms all forms of spiritual disease.” Let’s take a look at why this is.
First of all, I don’t think it would be fair to say that only alcoholics and addicts have resentments. So why do resentments kill us and not others? Resentment acts as a barrier between us and our Higher Power, whether that Higher Power is understood as God, the Universe, the Creator, or a Greater Spiritual Force. In this context, when an individual holds onto resentments, they are essentially blocking themselves from experiencing the peace, forgiveness, and connection that come from spiritual alignment with their Higher Power. It’s that connection with a Higher Power that keeps us sober, so when the alcoholic/addict loses that connection, they can easily turn back to drinking or using drugs.
This means we must find forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning wrong actions; it’s about freeing ourselves from the burden in our own spirit that binds us to the past. Forgiveness is the gift we get concerning resentments. It’s a powerful tool for spiritual and emotional healing. To truly forgive and free ourselves of the past. It means that we forgive without waiting for something or someone outside of us to change to begin our healing process and spiritual growth.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. (Big Book pg. 62)
Hold on, I know what you might be thinking from that statement. I didn’t like it the first time I read it, either. I was definitely a finger-pointer, blaming everyone and everything for my troubles. So, let’s look at why this statement is really true and how it can be freeing.
Resentment means to “feel again” the pain or harm from the past. It keeps us tethered to those past events, preventing us from fully living in the present. We often continue to live in the past instead of in God’s time, the present moment; God’s time is always right now—this very moment. We are responsible for how we feel and act today, and it is at this moment that healing and growth occur. By choosing forgiveness, we reclaim the power to live fully in the present, no longer bound by past events.
Forgiveness does not mean accepting or agreeing with someone else’s actions.
It means letting go of how we hold onto the past and choosing to live in the present moment. Forgiveness allows us to release resentment, freeing us from the emotional grip of past hurt.
To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. (Big Book pg. 66)
To get free, we need to look at where we are to blame or what mistakes in the past we may have made.
How are we today allowing the past to affect our own pride, self-esteem, security, relationships, and ambitions. What have we possibly done in the past to create the situation that we are resentful of?
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”
The Lord’s Prayer is often used to end 12-Step meetings. Forgiveness is a large part of this prayer. This passage talks about how important forgiveness is for our own peace and spiritual healing. It says that forgiveness is like a doorway to feeling better, and to find peace, we must forgive everyone who has hurt us.
The passage reminds us that everyone has been hurt or disappointed by others at some point. These painful memories can stay with us, causing deep emotional and spiritual wounds. But the only way to heal these wounds is through forgiveness.
We must forgive others, and once we do that, we can also forgive ourselves.
We also need to remember that we would like others to forgive us when we’ve hurt them. The 9th Step in the program of recovery is about making amends for those we have harmed. When we clean up our past by making amends, we may not only find forgiveness from others but also will offer ourselves the grace to move forward. It’s about acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, and giving ourselves the opportunity to grow beyond the poor decisions we’ve made. Resentments we have towards ourselves fall away. If we don’t forgive ourselves, it can be a sign of too much pride. Making amends is not only for us, but so the people we go to can also be free of resentment.
To move forward in life and feel peace, happiness, and sobriety, we must let go of hurt and forgive both others and ourselves. Forgiveness brings healing and helps us move forward in our spiritual journey. May we all be blessed with the freedom of forgiveness.
